I think, Therefore I should be motivated?

What is it going to take to make me "see the light?" What is it going to take to help me overcome my fear of being healthy? Is there really a defining moment that will open my eyes and cause me to do right by myself?

I have been diagnosed with diabetes, PCOS, sleep apnea and I am a binge eater. Individually any one of these things is a battle in and of itself, but together? I am a ticking time-bomb!

The associated symptoms and side-effects are even worse, at least to me. Depression, high-blood pressure, weight gain, insomnia, mood swings and the potential for cardiovascular disease and stroke. Yeah, I'm a mess.

Now one would think that by knowing ALL of this that would be incentive enough to take my diabetes medication on a regular basis, use my CPAP machine and work to lose weight. One would think...

Instead I am paralyzed, afraid and out of control. It's all I can do to write this and get it all out in hopes that by seeing it in writing it will push me to do something. And yet, I don't. Oh, I do things, but I don't stick with them. I'm gung ho on getting healthy and work to find ways to make eating simple, healthy and easy so that it is a no-brainer. I set up my medication on a weekly basis and carry my pill box around with me so that it is easily accesible. I've tried to ease myself into the CPAP, using it night after night, praying that I would get used to it. I take pills for the mood swings, the depression, the high-blood pressure. I got myself on a regimen of exercising on a daily basis. I set goals, I was determined!

All it takes is one obstacle, one lapse, one reason for me to say, "it's okay, I'll get back to it tomorrow." Yep, you guessed it, tomorrow never comes. Tomorrow turns into next week, next month, next year.

Then I think, maybe I need someone to inspire me, to help me, to guide me. Maybe I need someone special in my life that would give me the courage to face it all and not feel alone. Yes, I have my family and friends and they are special to me and they do inspire me, help me, guide me. I have my doctors and mentors and they help guide me as well, but I never feel like it's enough. Nothing is ever enough. I know that rationally, "someone" is not going to make thing magically get better. I know that someone is not going to make me sit up and take notice of myself.

I know that being in love is not going to take away any of the pain and fear because...it's not external to me; it's a part of me. It's within me and I need to work it out. Then I fear that while I'm working it out, I'll miss the opportunity to meet that special someone. I fear that if I meet that special someone, that my insecurities and fears will drive them away.

I know that I feel most of this now because I am older. It's obviously a biological thing as I never felt this way about all of this 5, 10, 15 or 20 years ago. But it's here, it's real, it's a fact of my life. Ah, see how easily I can get away from the root of the problem and turn it into something else completely? See...those are my demons. They are sisters and they are very good at deflecting.

Bebe, is the oldest. She's been hanging around with me for at least 25 years, if not thirty. And then there is Debbie. Debbie came along later in life. She's been my pal, my bud for about 6 to 8 years. They aren't my best friends, but they have been there whispering in my ear for a long time now. I've lost my zest for writing this for now. More of the adventures and stories of Bebe and Debbie to come.

Thanks for reading.

What I'm reading: It's Not About Food: End Your Obsession with Food and Weight ~ Carol Normandi and Laurelee Roark

Music of choice: It's All about the 80's right now!