I think therefore I can't sleep?

February 5, 2009 - Thursday
I think therefore I can't sleep? Current mood: thirsty

WTF? 1:33 A.M. I feel like I'm in a Melissa Etheridge song. If you don't know, don't ask. Well, you will but you won't get it, this is me we're talking about here. Does ANYTHING I do or think make sense? So of course I pick up my handy dandy computer and start typing. If I am awake, then you might as well benefit from my temporary morning insanity. Ok, maybe not so temporary or limited to just mornings. Ok, tell me if this bit is getting old.The funny thing about all of this is for once I am awake and aware enough to pick up and start writing and I have nothing real to thing about, rant about or write about. No dreams, no fears, no fantasies. I feel almost numb, helpless. The past several days have been this strange mix of insanity, clumsiness, maniacal happiness and sadness all rolling in and out of my body like Sandburg's Fog. Little cat feet. Little cat feet... lightly leaving a trail of destruction behind in it's wake.It's funny how for a long time I thought I was this cool, knowledgeable, and deep mysterious literary chick. Then the world showed me people more intelligent than I. Okay, maybe not more intelligent, but certainly more knowledgable than the people that I had been used to hanging out with in my twenties. For anyone wondering, it's not any of you reading this right now. Think about it, did you know me in my twenties or were you around me (physically). See, I have to always justify everything that I say. Can we say paranoid, conspiracy theorist mother? I knew you could. It's not entirely her fault though. I have this need to please and appease. So now that train of thought leads to my thinking about baring my soul in here. All of my idiosyncrasies (spell check), fears, vulnerabilities and insane thoughts. But does that make me vulnerable? Does that make me cool, hip and in tune with myself and the world? I am really asking the question here. And what I write here, am I really baring my soul? Am I opening my wounds for my friends to see and pick at or help me take care of them and heal? Am I being pretentious? We all have problems, yes I know. I know few people who are truly blissfully happy. Sometimes I wish I could be that person who wakes up every day happy, smiling and living in what appears to be blissful ignorance. However they aren't ignorant, just happy! I am happy to a point, just not fulfilled I guess. There is still so much that I want out of life and I don't feel like I am ever going to acheive any of it. Sheesh, is this what they call mid-life crisis? I can't help but think that all of this is because I am soon to turn 40 this year. Yeah, I'm not sugar-coating it. One friend of mine keeps saying that we are turning "30" this year. We will be FORTY people. It's not an evil word or age. I am not even concerned about the age, I am concerned about all of these thoughts, feelings and emotions that overcome me day to day. I feel fabulous and terrific one day and then depressed and hormonal five days later. I guess this is the time to document all of this so that when I turn 50 I can look back on all of this and laugh at how neurotic I was being back then. However, I don't remember going through all of this at age 29. Guess I'll have to go back to the old pen and paper journals to find out. Okay, almost 2 a.m. I should really try to get some sleep so that I can warm up the car in the morning before I drive in the below freezing cold for an hour.Toodles - Oh, I'm really listening to Selah sung by Lauryn Hill but I can not find it on the list, so I'll listen to Killing Me Softly next. Ooohhh and then some Heather Nova.

Currently listening:Killing Me Softly (CD Single)By Fugees